I’ve discovered somewhere online that’s so warm and friendly, it’s almost magical. It’s a place where Jerry Springer bestows congratulations on the impending birth of your first child from the driver’s seat of a parked car. Where Kenny G stops an important studio session, sax in hand, to wish you a happy retirement. Where Nigel Farage cheerily offers you good luck in your new job as a project manager, or the usually scabrous Azealia Banks sweetly wishes you a happy 16th birthday. I am of course talking about Cameo, where celebrities will smile at you like you’re an oligarch’s son. For a small fee.

I first realised I was addicted to browsing Cameo when I messaged a friend at 3.22am to tell her: “Jesus Christ, you’ve got the exact same kitchen layout as Robbie Coltrane.” Names of such delicious randomness would flash before me – Samantha Mumba, Chet Hanks, Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips, Roseanne Barr, Steven Berkoff – and I’d just have to tell someone. I felt like people needed to know that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has really nice wallpaper, or that Ginuwine is bearded but still a hottie.

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